If you are of sound, mind, and body, and don't spend your weekends sailing a schooner, then I'm sure you've heard the expression, "Nothing is certain but death and taxes." On the surface, this fatalistic proverb that first appeared in Daniel Defoe's Political History of the Devil appears incontrovertible. But if you'll indulge me with your good Christian ears for a moment, I'd like to demonstrate its impermanence. In the Land of Milk and Honey, otherwise known as the United States of America, those who make under $10,000 annually (in declarable income) needn't file a tax return. Technically these whimpering souls live under the poverty line or are illegally holding funds, but come April 15th, they can hold up their dirty hands and give Uncle Sam the finger. In regards to part two, the idea of death is perhaps slightly more complicated. To the impotent being, dying might appear unavoidable. But unlike the previously mentioned, obviously satanist text, there is another book, the Good Book, that annotates a little concept known as "eternal life." So yes, die you shall, but then you'll be reborn in a matter of speak. Anyway, argue with me if you will about the veracity of the aforementioned quote, I've discovered three eternal truths of far greater consequence...
1) Jewish people will eat Chinese Food on Christmas. Even after the glorious rapture takes all the good Christian people up to heaven where everyday is Christmas, Chinese Restaurants will still make a killing on December 25th. Well, just so long as the Hebrews can get past the giant scorpions and bees and all the other evils plaguing the deluged and quaked up roads.
2) Single men and women drenched in an iniquitous perfume and cologne called Desperation will flock to bars on Valentine's Day. They'll tell you they are exerting their independence or don't need to be validated or something else you can sillily disregard, but really, it it's not the people in committed relationships that make February 14th International Condom Day.
3) Out of shape Americans will resolve themselves to work out 3-5 days a week starting on January 1st. Of course by today, the 2nd Monday of 2014, all those feeble minded fatties have flipped fitness the bird and run off (well drove off) to Jack in the Box to try the new Hot Mess Burger.
