A History of Grammar: Hair Did

I'm partial to people who at least attempt to speak in a grammatically sound fashion.  I don't correct people when I hear them say "irregardless" even though I'm probably not doing them any favors, and I've grown to begrudgingly accept people overusing "got" at times when they should definitely be saying "have." Regardless, the misusage of the verb "DO" when referencing the act of hair care is intolerable for a couple of reasons, and the phrase "Getting/Got/Gonna get my hair DID" should be immediately squeezed from your vernacular.  I'm going to tell you the main reason, which stretches beyond poor English, but let's quickly review some grammar.

Correct:  I'm getting my hair done at the salon.

Incorrect:  I'm getting my hair did at the salon

Correct:  I did my hair before the dance.

Incorrect.  I done my hair before the dance.  

Correct: I need to do my hair before going to the funeral.  

Correct: I did my hair and then left for the funeral.

Correct: My friend did my hair and then we went to a funeral.  

Correct: I had my hair done for the funeral.  

Incorrect.  I got my hair did...

Now, after extensive etymological research, I've successfully traced the origins of this grammatically unsound hair care phrase to a 1950s brothel on the outskirts of Hoboken, where for a small fee, men could diddle hair.  Yes, DID was an abbreviation for DIDDLE.  So, if you want to say "I got my hair did" as an abbreviation for "I got my hair diddled,"  I guess I'm okay with that.  I understand the need for some innuendo, since perhaps you aren't so comfortable  letting others know in the surrounding vicinity that someone has wrapped your hair around a penis and ejaculated on your scalp.

The Hail Mary

Oh what a tangled web we weave when all we are looking for is a beej.

The Hail Mary.  A distant, less desperate cousin to the booty call, popularized in 21st century after midnight coital rituals with the advent of text messaging.  While the booty call often embodies a “Friends with Benefits” “No Strings Attached”  outlook for which one person almost always plays the loser, the Hail Mary is by and large a "Winner’s" game.   How is the person desperately hailing a drunken prayer of a pass across cellular lines a "Winner?"  Well, the "Loser " of some form of romantic entanglement is generally on the receiving end of the Hail Mary pass...a mirage conceived within the beer goggles of a former winner's  nostalgia juxtaposed against their current herpe riddled club environment at 1:00 AM.  If he or she (generally she, but I will cover gender reversals and biological variations in self-respect later) decides to play defense and knocks the ball(s) to the ground, she frees herself of loser status.  But, if she decides to, for whatever reason, let that one and a million throw enter into her arms/mouth/vagina, she is still a winner in my book. The dude who discarded her, who thought he could do better, has come to his drunken senses, sent a prayer, and by the grace of a forgiving goddess, been granted amnesty for his prodigal penis.

Getting drunk ain't no slam dunk but it's a good start.

Seldom is the Hail Mary pulled off without at least one of the two parties involved under the influence of copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol.  On most occasions, the more intoxicated person throws the Hail Mary pass.  However, the scale for success increases exponentially if the quarterback can find a drunken receiver. And unlike a game like Football, where the quarterback can only make one last second grasp for the end zone, the extent of sexual hail marrying really goes as deep and dirty as your phone's contact list. Throw a hundred balls into the air if you'd like.   If you catch (or they catch you) the right person, in the right desperate, down, and drunken  moment, then that lopsided toss might magically be picked up by the wind and ascend into a perfect spiral pass headed for the "score."

Men aren't from Mars.

Of course, men and women have different Hail Mary techniques.  If you are a lovely young lady watching reruns of Friends before bed, you might be courted with the gentlemanly text "My dick, your mouth, twenty minutes?"  There is no room for subtlety in a successful male hail mary pass.  Females have their own hail mary play though, and it rarely materializes at an iniquitous hour.   “I really hate how things ended.”  “I miss our friendship.”    Those are popular female Hail Mary maneuvers that have been known to work with varying degrees of success.  The good news for any would be receiver is that there will generally be sex preceded by thirty seconds of gob job forplay involved...but you might have to do some "dancing" first.

And then there's the morning after but that's another story...